Fifteen minutes a day keeps the divorce away.
Image by Moshe Harosh from Pixabay
A couple of weeks ago, me and my wife introduced a good habit. Between 06:20 and 06:30 we enjoy a fresh cup of coffee together. At this time, the sun has just risen above the sea, bathing everything in golden light while the boys and dogs are sleeping. There is zero chance that you will be interrupted by a phone call or an email or just about anything. Those ten minutes per day will add up incrementally over time to something very special. A relationship is the sum of 10 000 atomized tiny actions.
The foundation of a happy life is habits and routines. And the most effective way of achieving that across several people´s calendars is to schedule everything. I don’t believe in spontaneity any more than I believe in romance. It’s not like good things are just going to drop in your knee all of a sudden. Be consistent with your routines and the probability of good things happening increases. Also, be consistent with your bad habits and the probability changes to certainty. It is perhaps ten times easier to develop bad routines, because they produce little short-term friction, although very damaging in the long run. Good habits generally create more short-term friction but postpone gratification and will be very rewarding in a couple of years.
Another habit that we picked up is to go on a date at least once per week. The easiest way to achieve this is to have lunch together. And to up the nice-o meter I found this site tamedhunden.se that keeps track of all the sensible restaurants and cafes where dogs are welcome. Said and done, the old timer Gibson that just turned 11 years old some weeks ago joined us on last week’s date. He was so happy to join us for lunch. Next time we will bring the young guy Jussi who just turned five and has about 10X energy level and not enough environmental training. But he’ll get it soon enough. And perhaps I can bring them both after Jussi learns this new habit. I always take them for a walk every lunch. So, if I combine it with a date with my wife, that’s a proper win-win for all of us.
On Sunday I went to the cinema to watch the new Super Mario Brothers movie with my four-year-old son. It was his first time in a cinema, and he was beyond excited and had a fire in his eyes. He got to choose some candies and popcorn and a drink. We went to the 10:30 screening and we almost had all 180 chairs for ourselves. The movie was great, but it paled in comparison to observing a four-year-old being consumed by the movie. At the jump-scares he literally screamed and in the fight scene with Donkey Kong he was punching in the air. It was absolutely hilarious to observe that kind of immersion. And inspiring too. I can honestly say that I haven’t had that much fun in several years. After the movie, he got a balloon and wanted to grab a burger, so we did. It was a fantastic father-son date or what would you call it? Whatever terminology, these one-to-one activities are equally important as the wife morning coffee and lunch dates. My guess is that some similar activity like this about once per month, with each son, is a good place to aim for. Here, I am building a relationship that has the potential to become the best I will ever have with anyone ever.
None of the above examples were spontaneous. They were carefully planned. They are tiny building blocks of the best future I can possibly imagine. Keep it up for five years and the probability of a failed marriage is borderline zero. Keep it up for ten years and chances are my sons will be my best friends in the world. I think these things are just another manifestation of the lessons I have learned from practicing my musical instrument every single day for 15 minutes the past decade. In these years, I have now established a ritual that is more powerful than brushing my teeth. I have seen how exceptionally fast I can learn new skills and improve as a musician – in less than two (2) hours of total time per week. Compound interest. I am now simply taking this exact model and applying it to my marriage. 7*15 minutes = 1 hour 45 minutes per week. A daily morning coffee alone and a lunch equates to about two hours per week of completely focused time together.
Fifteen minutes a day keeps the divorce away. With music, the carrot is my greatest motivator. With my marriage however, it is the stick. Personally, I cannot think of anything worse than a divorce. It is my worst nightmare. Therefore, I am John Wick determined to invest 15 minutes per day on avoiding my own definition of hell. It is quite noteworthy that this realization came from me starting to play the violin ten years ago.