Rules for thee but not for me
Image by Roland Schwerdhöfer from Pixabay
To be a good father, i.e., a proper role model, is exceptionally difficult. I have been thinking hard about some very difficult questions for the past month or so, and it feels as if my brain is about to melt. As I observe my boys growing up, I am obviously worried about some of the destructive elements of western culture that they will encounter sooner or later. The best wisdom to follow here is of course “practice what you preach”. The kids couldn’t care less about what I tell them to do if I don’t act it out myself first.
One example is alcohol. I have adopted a zero-tolerance policy for about five years now. I love to drink alcohol, but as I got older and matured, I realized that I have wasted so much time on hangovers and moronic conversations. Had I abstained earlier, I could have probably added another zero on all my bank accounts today had I spent the time wiser, and my relationships would have been much better. The latter part does not have a price tag, by the way. Yeah, some people say that I did the best I could and based on what I knew back then compared to now, I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. But I don’t like that conclusion. It leaves a bitter aftertaste of toxic victim mentality. I chose to drink a bunch of alcohol and there were consequences. Thank God I snapped out of it and reallocated my energy resources to more productive endeavors. I have taken an extreme approach to the alcohol question, and maybe there is a safe way to consume it. I don’t know. I just believe that I am better off overall by abstaining.
Today, we are bombarded in activities with “free dopamine” as Jocko Willinck put it. Free dopamine is dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. You have to earn that dopamine. The philosophical question I am struggling with here is that I want to learn what the proper level is of, let’s call it “sinful” activities. It could be alcohol, ice cream, junk food, pornography, gambling, video gaming, screen time… the list goes on and on. All the above things are terrible when over-used and some are worse than others. Perhaps all of them relate to the seven deadly sins in one way or another. But whichever one you want to look at, it is not reasonable or realistic to adopt a position where you quit every single thing that favors short term over long term gratification. To do that, you literally must be Jesus Christ. Even water will kill you if you drink too much of it, so the devil is in the details.
I think that one of the most amazingly powerful tools I can give my kids is screen time. I also think that this is without a doubt the single most dangerous thing I allow them to do. We have some rules at our house; no screen time before dinner and no screen time while having dinner until every single one has finished. My older son is very interested in the iPad. I often tell him no and refer to the above conditions. But I am far from a saint, and I consider myself screen addicted. I define addiction as something that my inner voice tells me that I should not do, and then I go ahead and do it anyway. It is so easy to grab the phone and read up on some topic that has caught my interest recently or watch a video. Now, why on earth should my boys take me seriously if I tell them “No iPad for you guys now” and minutes later grab for my phone? Even if it is only for a few seconds. That is the literal definition of a hypocrite to me. So tonight, I explained to my older son that if I ever tell him he can’t use the iPad and then he sees me using my phone, he should point it out to me and then he can go ahead and use the iPad. He’s four, so he can comprehend quite advanced things by now. We usually call smartphone addiction “klösplattan” which refers to those scratch boards that you give to the cats, so they have something to do. I find it funny, accurate and tragic. My son had the best comeback in the world; He looked me straight into my eyes and said in his most serious voice. “If I see you using the scratchplate after telling me I cannot do it, then you are not allowed to drink coffee.” Haha my eyes tear up with laughter just thinking about it. But damn, he is 100% correct. Now the new rules have been set, and there is some skin in the game on my part. I like where this is going. I have used screen time allowance/reduction as both a carrot and a stick in my parenting. But tonight, I got a taste of my own medicine. Outsmarted by a four-year old. I love it!